Interview with Rabbi Lavey Friedman, Menahel of Yeshiva Darchei Noam, RBS
Q: How is your Yeshiva unique and in what way to you cater to American Olim so that they feel comfortable with the chinuch their children are receiving?
A: Our goal is for our talmidim to be happy, balanced bnei Torah. To love learning, chesed, davening. We help them develop beautiful middos and derech eretz. We also, want our boys to enjoy a Geshmake kumzitz, sports, and extracurricular activities.
Darchei Noam conducts regular training for the rebbeim and moros (3 times a year for a full afternoon) for teaching ADHD children.
Q: In what way has the chinuch changed in Eretz Yisrael over the past few decades?
A: Until now, the general attitude amongst Olim has been that families would move to Eretz Yisrael despite challenges in chinuch and they would learn how to navigate the system. In a sense, there was a feeling of mesirus nefesh to move. We are at the forefront (as well as approximately seven other chadarim in RBS working alongside us) to change the narrative that the chinuch in Eretz Yisrael is actually A REASON TO MOVE TO Eretz Yisrael!!!
Not only do children have a better background of knowledge in reading and concepts, there’s also a certain tahara, a purity of character which children growing up in Eretz Yisrael have. We live in a community where all the families around us have given up a life of more gashmius to lead a life of more ruchniyus. Hundreds of families have given up bigger houses, backyards, cars, vacations, family support, simchos, family get togethers, Sundays off, etc. That’s tahara! Very inspiring!!
Then there’s another type of family that has already been living in Yerushalayim for a few years and when they’ve reached the crucial age of chinuch for their children, they feel like they need to move back because there are no options here. Why?? Yes, 25 years ago, it was a real concern, but now? There are many options at least in RBS, that can accommodate such a family, allowing them to remain in Eretz Yisrael.
Q: What would you tell a family that is nervous to make Aliyah because they’re concerned about the chinuch?
A: First, in the past 20 years, the chinuch in Eretz Yisroel has seen significant change to accommodate and satisfy American Olim. It’s definitely not what it used to be. There’s another point here. A family is not making Aliyah ONLY because it makes sense on paper. At the end of the day, they are inspired because this is ארץ אשר תמיד עיני ה’ אלוקיך בה””. At some point one has to include Hashem in the picture. Yes, one must do the proper hishtadlus in making sure parnassah is set up, researching the right communities, schools etc. But then one also can and must use the “Hashem card” and trust that He is guiding you to where you need to be, and that it is the right decision. Is there a foolproof, guaranteed way to ensure that our kids will succeed? No and nowhere does that happen. However, the success rate has sharply risen in the last 20 years.
Q: Earlier, it was suggested that there’s an advantage to growing up in Eretz Yisrael in that the children have a stronger background in Torah, fluency in reading, etc. Yet, some might argue that they see room for improvement in areas of בין אדם לחבירו and middos. Is that something which the American schools in RBS address?
A: A primary focus of our mosdos is on middos tovos and derech eretz, and it is intentionally modelled after the mosdos in the US. We teach our children how to solve social challenges the way we are used to, from our chinuch. When you have a school which is started and being directed by American mechanchim, then you have a real shot at being able to establish the chinuch on those terms.
Very often, parents will come to me in amazement and ask, “How do you teach your students such good middos?” My response is that I don’t. They learn it from their parents. I merely help nurture that chinuch. For example, I would ask a child on the verge of doing something he shouldn’t, “what would your parents expect you to do in such a situation?” I’m not teaching anything new. They know this from the parents.
Q: Unfortunately, sometimes we see that a school will be at odds with the parents’ way of doing things, and are loathe to consult with parents on anything to do with the chinuch of the child. “It’s our way or the highway”. Yet American parents are used to being partners with the school. Here, you DO include the parents in the chinuch development of the child!
A: Yes, we believe we are the shluchim of the parents. We also understand that our students’ parents have very likely entered the workforce as ehrliche Torah yidden. We don’t want to instill a hashkafa where the children will be scorning their fathers for being second rate just because they aren’t learning full time in kollel. Aderaba, sometimes it could be a lechatchila. We are chareidi and aspire to become great talmidei chachamim and to value lomdei Torah, but not at the expense of those who aren’t learning in Kollel.
Another point that we introduce is a love and appreciation for other types of yidden. We are all in this together.
Q: You mentioned earlier that there are about seven other schools that are geared for American Olim. How does one go about deciding which school is appropriate for their child?
A: Most importantly, daven to Hashem to guide you in making the right decision. Next, it’s important to make the investment to come on a pilot trip, check out the various schools, speak with the menahalim, ask questions, and decide which are most relevant. Additionally, speak to parents in each of those schools who can tell you their experiences and impressions of the schools. This adds another dimension of perspective.
Among the questions that one should be asking are: what type of families send to that school? Which high school/ Yeshiva do the students go to from there?
Q: What are some other changes in the chinuch mindset over the past 20 years?
A: As mentioned, we focus on creating a healthy, happy, well-balanced child who develops a geshmak in Torah, Tefillah, and middos. One thing we do not stress is the so-called need to “make the child Israeli”. There are those that believe that integrating into the Israeli system is crucial to the success of the child. That was true 25 years ago. Since then, mosdos have figured out that it isn’t a big deal and that they don’t feel the need to push children to take on an identity that is diametrically opposed to the upbringing of their home.
To summarize this point, the schools now realize that it is more important to help develop a child to be happy, emotionally healthy, and excited about Torah and Yiddishkeit than to force them into “the bubble of society”.
Let me share with you an anecdote. I was at Ben Gurion Airport, and I met a large family dragging along many suitcases. I asked them where they were going. They replied, “we’re moving back to the US”. Why? The wife replied with tears streaming down her face, “we really don’t want to leave Eretz Yisrael. We love it here, our kids all speak fluent Hebrew, but we are very concerned about the chinuch”.
If only they understood that they DO have options, they could have continued to fulfill their dream in establishing their family in Eretz Hakodesh!!
Q: How well do children making Aliyah typically acclimate to their new environment?
Any time a family moves, even within the US, there are hardships and trial periods during which acclimation is very difficult. I’d say that moving to RBS is about the same because the majority here are English speaking families. Academic integration is very much dependent on how well the child grasps the new language.
